Slam Dancing

Hello is this Mr. Terrence Clark of Clark Carpentry Associates?
Hello sir, this is Walter Pidgeon calling on behalf the third fastest growing telecommunications company in the South Eastern part of the state, and let me tell you, I want to make you a better person. Now I know what it’s like to pay for phone bills—Lord knows, don’t we all? You just make a few calls and there goes half your paycheck, your wife thinks you’re cheating on her, and you don’t have enough money to buy yourself a new pair of socks much less that new car you’ve been eyeing for so many years. Now if you were a smart man, Mr. Clark you would listen to me. And you’re a smart man, aren’t you? Of course you are.
You don’t have enough time for this? You can’t spare a few minutes in order to save yourself and your family your own hard earned money? If I were you, I would listen. Mr. Clark, tell me. How much do you pay for your phone bill every month?
Oh my! It’s worse than I thought; you should be grateful that I called. Because the company that I represent can save you up to—are you sitting down Mr. Clark?--$2.50 a year on your phone bill.
No I am not kidding sir, my company Legiticom is willing to give you line rental and all of your calls for $2.50 less than what you are paying now. How is that possible you might ask? Let me tell you, it’s nothing short of miraculous.
Excuse me? Did you say that $2.50 isn’t worth all of the trouble? Sir, do you value your hard earned money? Well with that attitude you may as well go straight to the bathroom and empty your wallet in the toilet. Millions of people would kill to save $2.50 a year on anything, and I am coming to you out of the kindness of my heart in order to offer you an extraordinary deal so you can save your hard earned money. Now sir, you are a businessman, surely you are savvier than that.
Now all I need for you to do is agree to sign up for one of our call packages of remarkable value. Now judging by your type of business, I’ve pegged you as an unlimited sort of guy. Who wants limits, am I right? With Legiticom’s unlimited plan, you can talk as long as you want anytime you want except for between the hours of noon and 7 PM and all day Tuesday, and also stay within our monthly fair use limit of three hours of talk time. Imagine the freedom of picking up your phone and being able to talk to anyone you want for almost half a week—as long as that person isn’t using a mobile phone or lives outside of your ten mile call radius.
Of course I will tell you how much our additional charges are as well as send you our full terms and conditions through the mail, but I just need to get your verbal consent in order to do so. And keep in mind sir, that you will have a full three days to cancel without risk of a termination fee.
No sir, there’s no obligation to stay with us within the first 72 hours of signing up, after this generous period which we allow you to decide you would only be obligated to stay with our company for the remainder of the five year contract period. But I’m sure you will agree that three days is more than enough time for a man of your status to decide what is good for your business. Sign up today and see the savings for yourself and I guarantee on both my and my family’s honor that you will be an extremely happy man if you sign up with our company because you will be saving your hard earned money.
You say you are currently in contract with your current provider? Well my brother, I could see how that’s a problem, but since you have been such a patient man and have dedicated so much of your precious time, I am willing to give you a very special offer that we give to everyone. Sir, my company is willing to offer up to fifteen dollars to cover your termination fee. All you would need to do is pay for your $150 termination fee, send us written proof of your payment, and allow us six to twelve weeks to judge whether the payment would fall in line with our terms and conditions, and then we would give you fifteen dollars in credit redeemable at some participating Walgreens stores.
Yes sir, you will see all of what I have laid out for you in writing once you agree to sign up. Now that I already have you signed up, you will be receiving the paperwork in the mail sometime within the next month. And keep in mind, you can cancel this contract at anytime within your 72 hour trial period, but after that period an early termination fee of $1200 will apply. If you have any questions or concerns, or if you want to cancel your new contract just give our customer services number a call at any time of the day, as long as that time is between 2:15 and 4:26 AM Monday through Thursday.
You want to be put on a no call list? Very well sir, now that you are a customer you needn’t worry about our company phoning you any more at all. In fact, you will be lucky to get in touch with us if you try! Thank you very much for your time and patience Mr. Clark. I appreciate your generosity as if it were a gift from my ancestors. You sir, truly are wise and smiled upon by the Gods. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go spread my commission over the bed and rub your hard earned money across my naked flesh. Good day, sir.