I wonder what it was like in 2004... in 2004.... in 2004...

The article below represents my first (and only) attempt to get printed in my school paper, which, of course, failed miserably. It was written the night of the 2004 presidential election which apparently put me in a semi-political mood. I always liked this article even though some of the jokes fall flat because of convoluted writing, and I later found out that Bill Bryson already wrote this exact article with funnier jokes five years before hand, but I figured I would post it anyway. That's enough 2006-era ranting for now, I need to lie down because I honestly think my appendix is about to explode. Approaching 88mph:

Now that President Bush has retained his title of the Lord of Democracy I figured the climate was right to celebrate some of the men of American history that have achieved such a status that when any American simply sees a picture of them they think to themselves “... who in the Hell is that?” That’s right; I’m referring to the long forgotten and seldom discussed obscure Presidents of The United States. These are the men that your American History professors very well may not know, as for the most part they were completely worthless wastes of not only an important political position, but carbon as well.

The first of these presidents whom you probably know nothing about is William Henry Harrison, and there is a good reason that he remains spectacularly unnoteworthy: his main accomplishment in office was catching pneumonia and dying a month into his presidency. Of course, this gives President Henry Harrison the great honor of being the only president in American history to serve 3/146 of his term. It is also interesting to note that despite William being the first Harrison to serve as President, Benjamin Harrison managed to steal the thunder of the Harrison name, forcing poor William to be referred to by both his middle and last name. Which also illustrates just how worthless William Henry Harrison actually was, considering that Benjamin Harrison lost his re-election to the former incumbent that he managed to defeat in the previously (Grover Cleveland) which is as if the country collectively came together and said “You know what? Nevermind.”

Moving on to even more lackluster executive leaders we find Millard Fillmore. I’m going to repeat that name again, not because it bears repeating, but for the sheer purpose of personal amusement. Millard Fillmore. What a great name. Fillmore was a man that many people considered as a shining example of the American dream, having been born in a log cabin in New York, marrying his elementary school teacher, eventually managing his way into the Vice Presidency and only becoming president because Zachary Taylor decided to die a little over a year into his term. Man, hearing that story actually makes me want to go out into the wild, find a bald eagle and lovingly smother it to death. But unlike William Henry Harrison, Fillmore actually had some accomplishments while in office other than simply moving into the White House and promptly dropping dead. For example, Fillmore passed the Fugitive Slave Act which provided southern slaveholders with federal agents to more efficiently hunt down escaped slaves. What a sweetheart. And of course, Fillmore also admitted California as a state, but really, who cares about California?

Fillmore was defeated by our next obscure president, Franklin Pierce. Pierce presided over a country that was a powder keg of sectional unrest that needed only a spark to set it off into a frenzied civil war; and rather than preserving the relative calm that was starting to show when he entered office, Pierce decided it would be fun to shoot roman candles at aforementioned powder keg. This is the man who managed to make Kansas bleed profusely and caused civil unrest to skyrocket; he also tried to buy Cuba. Pierce was so lame that his own party wouldn’t renominate him, opting instead for James Buchanan. James Buchanan. What in the Hell was wrong with people in the mid 19^th century?

Now, jumping forward in history a little more than a half century we come to a man who isn’t quite an obscure president as he is a complete abortion of one. That’s right folks, I’m talking about Warren “Worst President Ever” Harding. Harding simply gaining the Republican nomination for presidency is flabbergasting enough considering he was a widely known alcoholic despite prohibition being in tact, had a terrible relationship with his wife, was involved in a long standing extramarital affair, had a limited education and to top it all off, he spent two years in a sanitarium. That’s right, the Republican Party nominated a man who spent two years of his life locked in a nut house, and here’s the kicker: He won the election. By a substantial margin. That’s some fine electing there, America. As president, Harding appointed many of his old friends into cabinet positions who, of course, all turned out to be money hungry criminals who decided to rob the government blind with their newfound power. Which, come to think of it, is fairly normal presidential behavior but let’s just move on for the sake of this article. Here is a short list of some of the activities that Harding’s cabinet took part in: accepting bribes, destroying documents, earning fat-back kicks, and running drugs and alcohol. Two members of the cabinet earned jail time and two more committed suicide. Amazing. Harding supposedly had little involvement in the actual scandals which may actually be true considering that when he heard the full extent of his cabinet’s corruption he collapsed and died. Wow. However, the cause of his death is probably not because of the shock of hearing about his administration’s scandals but more because his wife probably poisoned him. Really, that’s actually not a joke, look it up.

Thinking that we’ve escaped the era of bland and forgettable presidents is probably far from the truth. There have been several contemporary presidents that I think history will sweep under the carpet of time, but really the only way to measure the validity of this assumption is through the passage of time. But I wouldn’t be shocked if in one hundred years a collective group of thousands of college students will probably say “Who in the Hell is that?” upon seeing a picture of Gerald Ford. Then a brave young student will stand up amongst the masses and say: “Duh, it’s obviously William Clinton.” History’s funny that way. And for any potential History majors or professors who stumble upon this article, it should be noted that most of the information gathered here stems from a series of Google searches. So if any false facts have been presented, I blame the internet.

How Can The Allman Brothers Still Tour When One of Them Has Been Dead for 35 Years?

I hate classic rock radio. I just thought I would get that out in the open before I start my pig-headed rant of mildly epic proportions. I simply don’t understand it. You turn on your radio, tune in to your local classic rock station, and then sit back and enjoy the same songs you’ve heard every day for the last thirty years. Seriously, how many times does a person need to hear “Magic Carpet Ride?” Based on what’s on the radio the answer is twice a day until you fucking croak because they play that fucking song fucking constantly. “But Kris!” you say, “You can’t hate the classics! They’re the classics, they’re classic!” Yes, dear, devoted reader, they are classics; and they need to stop. Classic rock destroys the way people look at music, and I have a number of reasons for why this is true. Of course the main reason being that radio-goers place their taste in music in the hands of people like this:

Now before I get my scathing, convincing and eloquently written argument underway let me clear things up a bit for you non-believers. I will concede that not everything played on classic stations is unbridled shit. They will play the shit out of The Beatles, CCR, Stones, Jimi Hendrix, and the like to no end. But this isn’t entirely true; a more accurate list would be: “they play the shit out of ‘Yesterday,’ ‘Bad Moon Rising,’ ‘(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction,’ and ‘Foxy Lady.’” Variety is like kryptonite to Hotel California radio. It’s just single after single repeatedly, honestly it’s like they took some college freshman’s seventy track “Classix” iTunes playlist and played it on shuffle. It could be so much better if they would play album tracks or live cuts (besides Frampton Comes Alive). Seriously, they’re exploring roughly twenty years of music (1960-1980) and they come out with a dozen bands with two songs each, and they’ve been playing the hell out of them since the beginning of the 1980s. Dust in the Wind radio offers a stagnant pool of over-listened music and people still voluntarily dive in.

Moving on. The main damage that You Can Go Your Own Way radio does to people is that it makes them readily accept sub-par music as unsurpassable feats of human creation. Folks, I hate to break this to you, but The Allman Brothers kind of suck. I know, it’s a bit hard to accept, but it’s true. The only reason people think Duane Allman was a great guitar player is because he died early in his career and he was made into an idol by the radio. Nobody questions what they hear on these stations, they just automatically accept what’s coming out of their car speakers as solid gold. An entire generation has grown up being brainwashed by this stuff, and the results? Jam bands, red stater rock, and Dave Matthews being a successful musician. You know who opens for the Allman Brothers now? Government Mule. How can people support this?!

Another thing which Somebody to Love radio does is ignore important music from the era. Bands like The Velvet Underground, Love, Television, Big Star, post-“You Really Got Me” Kinks, Roxy Music, Brian Eno, The Stooges and other not really obscure groups are left un-played. All of those bands are more important and better than fucking Steely Dan but nobody would ever know that would they? And now that some stations are trying to appeal to Gen Xers by playing 80s pop hits they ignore a whole new era of music. Think you’ll ever hear The Smiths on the radio? No, because they’re playing “In The Air Tonight” again.

I suppose the main draw for Fly Like An Eagle radio is familiarity. Everyone enjoys listening to something that they know, you can sing along to it, and you know you like it. You don’t have to think when you listen to something you know, and that’s okay... to an extent. Since these stations play only music which their listeners can basically tune out or sing along to and not change it up with something that challenges them, it causes a dumbed down listening population. And it’s going to keep happening unless something changes in the way these stations are managed. It’s bound to happen someday isn’t it? One day people are going to get tired of hearing “Spirit in the Sky” everyday on the way to work, aren’t they? Please?