After being in a university for three years you start to notice things about people. You’d like to hang on to the idea that each person is an individual snow flake, slowly fluttering through their time at college gaining the experiences that will allow them to form into a snowball of knowledge or something, I don’t know. Individuality hardly exists anymore, especially in college. Everyone can be categorized and lumped into a mass of people that are exactly like them in every way. True, some are more difficult to pin down than others, but it can be done. And now, thanks to this article, you too will be able to judge people the way that I have for three years because I am going to list and describe the major personality types easily found at every university in the universe.
Group 1: The Spring Breakers. Probably the largest group of students (at JMU especially), the Spring Breaker lives and breathes for one thing: getting drunk and yelling “WOOO” at
Group 2: The College Know-It-All. You know the person in your class who always has something to say regardless of the topic and will drone on and on about it even if he or she obviously has no idea what the hell they’re talking about? That’s the College-Know-It-All, and everyone hates them. Typically these are the most pompous people within any major because they know a little about the subject and are not afraid to let the rest of the world know. For hours. We get the point; you did some extra reading last night, now shut up. Socially, these types tend to huddle with their own kind because nobody else can stand being around them. And because they went to the coffee house last week, have seen Pi, and listen to Iron & Wine they think that they are on a higher cultural plain than everyone else. If the Spring Breaker is MTV, The College Know-It-All is MTV2.
Group 3: I Care Kids. A bit of an offshoot to the College Know-It-All but distinct enough to warrant its own category, the I Care Kids love to do nothing more than talk about starving children in Africa and promote how much that they care about said starving children in Africa. They are the kids that you see carrying backpacks covered in ribbons, buttons, orange bits of cloth, and slogans penned in white out all over them. Their favorite movies are Hotel Rwanda, American History X, Requiem for a Dream or anything else that deals with genocide, drugs, racism or any other sort of social hot topic. They have the uncanny ability to draw attention to themselves through their deep caring for other people and love it. I’m on to you I Care Kids.
Group 4: Hippies. Hippies are a lot like their 1960s counterparts except they are not as cool and make much crappier music. This group of people is the sole reason why jam bands exist and for this reason alone I should be allowed to kill them and get paid for it. They are hookah smoking, no shoe wearing, dirty, smelly things that sit in a circle on the quad and jam out on their bongos and acoustic guitars for hours; and when they get tired of that they eat vegan fries and go to the Little Grill because, hey man, it’s proof that socialism WORKS!
Group 5: The Pitchforkers. You know, radio kids. Named for massive indie music news site Pitchfork Media, Pitchforkers think they are the raddest people in the world because they know who Built to Spill is and you don’t. Their main interest is finding more obscure bands (via Pitchfork Media mostly) to add to their sweet playlist that they’re working on for their radio show at
Group 6: Invisible People. Exactly as the title suggests, Invisible People are invisible and few know about them just because of it. Thought to be merely a myth, Invisible college student exist, and they want revenge.
Group 7: Nerds. You know how you can spot a nerd? Fedoras. If you wear a fedora and think it’s awesome, I’m sorry to tell you that you are a nerd. You love webcomics, anime, RPGs, “random” humor, and html. You hang with other nerds and see yourself as a sort of new counter culture. You fix the Spring Breaker girl down the hall’s computer in a futile attempt for action, but it never pans out. You love Penny-Arcade. You listen to techno and German power metal. You eat Pocky and read Tokyopop manga. You, my friend, are a nerd.
Group 8: Jenga Kids. People who live in substance free housing and opt to stay in and play Jenga than go to a party. Most of the time this is for religious reasons, but such is not always the case. However, it is always true that these kids hate everyone who drinks. Beer is Devil Tonic meant for drug addicts and sodomites, and they are infinitely better people for resisting peer pressure and playing Boggle instead. They are strong advocates of the idea that a person does not need alcohol to have fun, and try constantly to prove it, which always fails. Outside of boardgames, Jenga kids live for midnight games of flashlight tag and capture the flag. But when you see these kids out running in the cold night air, you can see just a glimmer of sadness in their eyes. You can tell they aren't really having fun at all, and they know it. Capture the flag isn’t fun. I’m sorry, it just isn’t. Unless you’re drunk, of course. But the Jenga kids hold strong onto their belief that they can find alternative means of fun in college until they ultimately give up and start drinking mid-junior year. Although this isn't the fate for every Jenga Kid, some hang on to their ideals until death, after living a long life of looking down on people for trying to have fun while they still can.
One could go on for pages about the different types of college kid, but these eight make up the bulk. Of course there is some crossover as some of these groups interact well, like I Care Kids and Hippies (who are basically I Care Kids who don’t shower). Others, however, just don’t mix. For example, Pitchforkers hate Hippies and vice-a-versa—though a Hippie would never admit to hating anything, that’s just too confrontational man. So now that I have armed you with a very basic outline of what most college kids are like, try judging people for yourself. It’s fun, anti-social behavior that will make everyone hate you, but you will know deep down that the person telling you that you are being judgmental is just a stupid College Know-It-All and should just shut the hell up.
